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Hmmm hmm.

I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Renne and Shell did a pretty good job of distracting me last night, and I can't believe I'd never seen The Full Monty before omg, but idk there's only so long you can put off thinking about something and all the wine has drained from my head now and left my thoughts squeaking along the inside of my skull and I wish he'd been home last night.

Although he did call me. At half two in the morning, why is he even allowed? Happy though. I could listen to him being happy for hours and hours, it's probably why he likes kids tv so much, the inside of his happy head must look like the set design of In the Night Garden, that's probably why he relates. It's so close to Isaac's first birthday that I'll take him happy anywhere I can, even down the line of a telephone call. He told me stories until I fell asleep, he's so good like that. If the shoot had just made me feel normal then I'd be all in love with the world today because of that. I hate feeling anxious. I hate it because I know how to get other people to stop feeling anxious and the same tricks don't work when you know how they're done. Like how a magician must feel having everyone believe in his magic but himself.

I've never been that happy with looking so masculine before. But I was. I looked good. I know I looked good, no one had to tell me, I didn't have to convince myself of it, and it didn't make me sad. I just... looked good. Jamie looked good, Jake looked good, but I looked <i>really</i> good. I think I liked it. I don't get it to feel like that I usually have to get someone telling me, or be a bit drunk, or a bit chalked (although, none of that now, ever again. If he can't touch it I'm not going to.) but that was just me. I wish he'd been home when I got back, just so I could spill this all to him or so he could tell me what he thought or so I could throw him against the wall and nail him, which actually seems like the most realistic scenario given how I left that studio yesterday. But idk. He's not brilliant at the gender stuff. He's not bad, but he never really has a strong opinion one way or the other. He can't, I suppose, and it's nice to know he'd love me as either but he can't help me with this. I understand why. Doesn't stop me wishing that he could though.

There's no one I can really speak to about this. Jamie knows and thinks I'm mental, Jo knows and supports me but has no answers, the next person that knows anything about what goes on in my head from there is Dan and I can't even imagine broaching that subject with him omg. And even if I could I wouldn't. He's Jon's friend, and Jon needs that, someone of his own. Dans a pretty popular man for all his talk and barriers. The great gruff grizzly that all the cubs want to play with. He's a good man, makes you feel like you can be honest with him for very odd reasons... It's his seeming lack of care that makes everyone clamor for him, even I've got to admit when you get attention from Dan it feels like you've earned it. Ha, God that Opera tonight. Just me, Ashcroft, and three hours of non stop foot in mouth accidental comedy. I hope I see people crying I think I'll bust a lung. Poor Jonny, he's in for quite a week I wonder if they sell the soundtrack?

Sometimes I wonder if I should tell J that we only do these things because he is so funny to wind up. But then I think why spoil everyone's fun? It always stops before anyone gets really upset. Jon is as easy to sedate as he is to rile. It's a lovely characteristic. And I hate Blackpool.

Writing things out only helps if you don't already know all the answers. Which I do. Fuck you, Education.

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